The one with NO HEARTBEAT (Part 1)

For those who haven't figured it out from the title, we sadly lost our baby on 6th October 2016. 

Al-Fatihah to my little angel.

As much as it pains me (obviously crying all over the keyboard) to write this when the wounds are still fresh, but I'd like to share what happened. Also cause I could never get through explaining the details in person without breaking down in tears.

It started like a normal day, I went out to get "healthy pregnancy snacks" because the nausea from this 2nd pregnancy was making me eat asam which Mel really hates. So we bought a lot of fruits, vegetables and salads for me to snack on instead. Later that day, Mel headed to Sabah for 4 days for work at 450 pm. 

I had a routine check up with a private clinic that night at 7:45pm and wished Mel could come because it was suppose to be an exciting night, the day we get to hear the baby's heartbeat. After Maghrib, I left Ariana in my family's care and went alone. My dad offered to teman but I told him it's just going to be a quick one, so I'll be okay. 

Everything was normal and I was feeling okay, playing Candy Crush while waiting for them to call my name. And once they did, I sat down with the doctor and we discussed how I was feeling. I told her this time around, the nausea is really bad compared to Ariana, where I basically had no morning sickness. But I told her it's bareable and I was OK. 

I laid down to get scanned and there the baby was! The doctor also got excited too and said "haa comelnya!" It really was, the little hands and feet have already started forming, and I was so happy! Then, my doctor started frowning and was looking for something. I was so happy I didn't take much of it until she started asking me scary questions. Like " Ada spotting tak? You ada bleeding ke recently? You last rasa mual-mual tu bila?" I answered no to the bleeding and the spotting and I actually couldn't remember when I last rasa mual. 

And she dropped the bomb, "Sebab by right kita dah boleh dengar jantung dia, and kalau you tengok kat monitor ni, jantung dia tak ada pun"  I thought to myself " Is she saying what I think she's saying" and got defensive. I said we heard Ariana's heartbeat at 11 weeks, maybe it's still too early. (I was 9 weeks 1 day at the time) She showed me another scan which shows red colours when there's bleeding. There was actually a bit of bleeding on the monitor, I saw it on the screen but I guess it just hasn't come out yet. And she pointed out that there should also be blood where the fetus was to show blood flow but there wasn't. It was just the shape of the baby. 

I know what she's trying to tell me but I didn't want to believe. She said that it's not my fault, it's not the husbands fault this happened, these things unfortunately just do happen. She continued to say she's sorry it happened to me and asked if she could call someone as I was there alone. By this time tears started streaming down, how could a check up that should have been a happy day for me, turn like this?

The doctor assured me, if I wanted a 2nd check up, to be completely sure, I can come next week with Mel. In the end, I just kept nodding because I just couldn't talk anymore. Outside the doctors office, there was a lot of people and I just didn't want to make a scene. I wiped my tears and held it together. They called my name to make payment and tears just started filling up as she handed me the last scan I'll ever see of my precious one. 

As soon as I was out the door, I broke down. I didn't even make it to the car to cry and scream. I called Mel right away and he picked up after a 3 tones waiting for exciting news and all I did was cry for a solid 3 minutes. He asked what happened over and over again and I couldn't talk, I tried to catch my breath, to calm down but i I couldn't for that 3 minutes. I managed to spit out " I lost the baby, I lost the baby" and he was just confused and asked "how?" Macam mana boleh jadi mcm ni?" and broke down as well. 

Eventually, we both calmed down and I explained to him what the doctor said. He apologized for not being able to be there with me and said he'll try to come back home as soon as he can and I ended the conversation by apologizing myself. The doctor warned me not to blame anyone for the miscarriage and I truly don't blame anyone, especially Mel who has been so amazingly supportive through out the whole pregnancy. But being the mother, the one who's carrying the baby, you can't help but to blame yourself, and so I did. 

After talking to Mel, I called my sister who was living in KL and she told me it was a mistake, and told me to get a 2nd opinion right away. I wish I could believe her, but I saw the scans myself, there was no heartbeat but I said okay anyway. In the car, I took a minute to calm down and started driving back home where I'll have to repeat this over again to my family. All the way back home I just kept saying "Sorry" "Mummy's so sorry" over and over until I reached home. Standing in front of the house door, I took another minute to compose myself and opened the door and walked in. My dad was napping on the couch, my sister was watching TV, and my mom and maid were just talking at the dinner table. My mom looked at me and asked how the appointment went. I managed to mumble " I lost the baby" and collapsed on the floor against the door and cried again. 

Later, they took care of Ariana so I could settle down in my room. At this time, I was having a horrible migraine, obviously from all the crying. Mel called to say he's taking the first flight back and we'll get a 2nd opinion straight away. I told him to tell his family because I just couldn't repeat myself again. I got ready for bed, and my youngest sister came to teman me sleep that night and suddenly my phone rang. It was Mels mum and I picked up the call outside and broke down again. Everybody was trying their best to comfort me, to support me, and I'm so grateful to have such a strong support system from both sides. Alhamdulillah.

I solat Isyak, prayed hard and went to bed. 

I woke up with the same horrible migraine which lasted the whole day. I picked Mel at the train station around 11. As soon as I saw him, I went out of the car, salam him and we hugged and cried together for a good 1 minute. I realized that everyone there was looking at us but I just couldn't care. We then decided to get a 2nd opinion at An Nur Clinic which is a womens specialist in Bangi. At the clinic, I would cry occasionally thinking about going through this again but I was much better with Mel by my side. Before we went in to see the doctor I told Mel to prepare himself. Long story short, the doctor confirmed the baby was no longer there, and the causes of it are unsure because 12%-15% of pregnancies will result in a miscarriage. She said they call it "OGK" which stands for, 'Only God Knows'. I was calm, proud of myself that I didn't break down and just accepted. We decided to schedule for a D & C on Tuesday morning and that was that. 

It's 2 days later and I do cry occasionally, we all terima by far the biggest ujian in my life, but it still hurts. My parents went through the same thing when we were living in New York. My mom was finally pregnant with a boy (I have 4 sisters) but sadly we lost him. My dad said he's not meant to have sons and he redha, and I have to as well. I do redha, it's just going to take time. InsyaAllah. Mel has been pushing me to go out, to clear my head, because once I'm alone, the thoughts start coming. The scenes in the clinic play repeatedly in my head. It repeats word from word of what actually happened but even worse, it sometimes repeats a different scene. A happy scene of me hearing the baby's heartbeat, calling Mel to say how healthy the baby is. 

 Writing this post has been emotional, Mel asked me to stop because it was making me so upset but I told him I somehow feel a bit of closure being able to share this. I know many have gone through this before, so here's my story. 

InsyaAllah we will still try again for our little rainbow baby, but now it's time to heal.

"You can't have a rainbow, without a little rain"

Love, DD

The one with ARIANA'S DELIVERY.

*have to get in my zone to remember all the details since 2 years ago*

Pre-Delivery

9 September 2014

HEAVILY PREGNANT. I capitalised and bold that because I was literally heavy. My last recorded weight before delivery was a whopping 82KG. 

My mom kept saying she gained a ton of weight when she was pregnant with me so its all normal and just in our genes( probably just trying to make me feel better) but gaining 25 KILOS IS JUST CRAY. SERIOUSLY. 

So we had the normal check up, we were 2 weeks away from the due date. Suddenly our doctor said the baby was big and she's scared if we wait for the actual date, the chances of me getting a c-section would be higher. So she proposed for me to be induced THAT VERY NIGHT.

*FIRST TIME PARENTS PLEASE PAY ATTENTION TO THIS PART* 

Obviously having no experience whatsoever, we were SCARED SHITLESS when the doctor dropped that bomb. The 'dream' or more precisely, 'the pressure' society puts on us mothers is to have a 'normal delivery'. Like "wah so hebat you normal delivery" blablabla (don't get me started, that's another story. haha) So we weren't too keen on the idea but who are we to go against the advice of the doctor? I mean, she studied YEARS to get to where she is and I've studied from google for like 9 months? So back home, we googled (again, lol) ways to "naturally" induce labour like eating super spicy food, exercising, dancing, but nothing worked. We redha and packed our bags, checked in PCMC to start the inducing.  

*PAIN PAIN PAIN PAIN PAIN PAIN*

People forgot to mention THE PAIN of induced labour is said to be 10 times more painful than natural births (quoted by mothers who have experienced both) 

And honey, I believe them and wished I'd read about it sooner! 

So they broke my water bag (which hurts too btw) and I'm already induced and it's 12ish am? 

*sorry been 2 years*

The contractions started coming in, hard! Like every 5 minutes for just 2 seconds but it hurt! I'm gonna try my best to describe the pain. probably like if you're being stabbed in the lower abdomen repeatedly? Or something along those lines. You get my point. And every time the contractions hit, I stiffed up my body to numb the pain (didn't work) and we repeat this lovely process until 12 pm the next day. 12 PM THE NEXT DAY. The nurses came in every hour to check and propose I take an epidural because I'm too stressed and if I was too stressed, there's no way I'll open.  

INDUCED LABOUR PATTERN NO ONE WILL TELL YOU:  

1. Once you're induced, prepare for the pain.

2. Once the pain kicks in, prepare to be told to get an epidural. 

3. You need the epidural to stop the pain so you can relax. 

4. Because you wont open if you're not relaxed. 

5. So once they give you the epidural, you can finally sleep, rest and chill. 

6. Then you'll open.

After all that pain, I was still only 1cm open. Fer real. Like basically nothing happened la, and I gave in to the epidural and within 20 minutes, I was 4cm open. Although I was on epidural, I could still feel the pressure, which helped me know when to push. I need to give some credit to Mel here because he was super awesome in the delivery room. Like way way beyond my expectations. He was holding my hands, giving me all the support I needed and he actually went in front to look. Like I don't even think I would look in front, it's seriously gross. (like have you seen the videos on youtube? That ain't for everybody) As soon as he saw Ariana's head, his face light up and he said "I can see the head, sikit lagi Ya!" and with one final push at 7:11pm, Ariana Adzalea was born. All the pain, confusion, and anger just went away in that moment. 

But it's been 2 years and now I can recall my anger, my confusion, how I felt like I was somehow tricked because she was not "big", she was only 3.18kg. But we took that experience as a real lesson. And now that we're expecting our 2nd child, InsyaAllah we're more prepared. 

I'm sharing this so first time parents know what to expect, or maybe other mothers who had induced labour can share their experience too? Hopefully it can someone in a way.

It's important to know that all pregnancies, deliveries are different! Never compare, never judge. And please please please do your research. This applies to the husbands as well, know the facts, information, and always be there for support. 

Adjusting to life after a baby? Now that's a whole other post. 

For now, I leave you with the first picture we ever took of Ariana. 

Till next time! 

Love, DD

The one where you GUESS WHO'S BACK!

*que Eminems song* 

"Guess who's back, back again?! Dewi's back! tell a friend!" 

*ends career in hiphop* 

I'm back, hyped and missed writing soooooo much! I've decided to keep this blog and my youtube channel (Life of a Dewi) linked so you get the best of both worlds! 

Now it's been like 2 years since my last post, so before we move on, A LOT of things have happened! So here's a quick catch up marathon to what you've missed. 

CATCH UP MARATHON: 

1. I previously mentioned it in my last post that Handsome (we're calling him Mel now cause you know, I'm grown up already. lol. ) and I got married in September 6, 2013. 

2. I was pregnant with our first child, Ariana Adzalea and delivered her on 

September 10th, 2014. 

3. Now 2 years later, am currently pregnant with our second child, 

due early quarter next year. Yay!

And that basically sums up the last 2 years-3 years of my life. haha. 

Planning to blog about my pre/during/post pregnancy details with Ariana just to share for those who are expecting, planning or just wanna read how it was like. 

Till then! 

Love, 

DD. 

The one with FINDING MY FAITH.

 (I’ve had this post saved for so long, finally posting it)

           

Salam.

I think like most people I know, we were born in our religion. I mean, I was born a Muslim and so I took it for granted all my childhood, teenage life, up until recently. My parents would teach me how to pray, read the Quran and we were so young so I would just take it as something so minimal. I remember playing around when we all would solat together, I remember not even praying really. Just following people, when they rukuk, I would rukuk, when they sujud, I would sujud, but my mind was elsewhere.

My mother used to tell me that when she hasn’t performed her solat, there is this feeling of uncertainty and restlessness that she gets. And as soon as she performs her solat, the feeling goes away. I never understood that, that is until now.

I’m turning 25 this year, happily married Alhamdulillah & InsyaAllah about to become a mother and only NOW have I understood this feeling my mother had. I think for me, it started out slowly and in stages. I was always a rebel and I hated being told what to do. I rebelled against wearing the hijab for a long time and until I did, things started to change for me.

Honestly even after I wore the hijab, I still didn’t take my solat that seriously. I would skip some waktu and solat whenever I feel like it. I can’t remember exactly when this ‘feeling’ happened but it did.

At those times where I did miss my solat, I would feel SO unease, SO restless and full of regret. I would always blame myself and just think “Why can’t I spend just at least 5 minutes. That’s all it really takes.  So I finally understood what my mom was trying to tell me. Alhamdulillah, took me awhile though and I'm still learning. 

I used to think that Allah might not listen to my prayers. I think to myself, “C’mon there are people in this world who don’t do anything else BUT pray and do all the Ibadahs, why would Allah grant MY wishes? But now, I know it’s not true. 

I would always pray that Allah guides us all in the right path. For me, I noticed these signs. For instance I used to always skip Subuh because I’d wake up late and for some reason I just started waking up. Things would happen like my phone would ring or I would just feel the need to wake up.  

There are so many dugaan in my life now, and I’ve learned the power of doa. My family and I were like normal families I think. We’re not extremely pious, but when my family faced our first dugaan, it was surely one of the most heartbreaking moments of my life but it woke us up. When people say Allah will never burden you with something you can’t handle, I used to disagree…When we were faced with a dugaan that would break us apart, I honestly thought we weren’t going to make it.

But Alhamdulillah with our nonstop prayers and tears, we managed to pull through. And because of that, I knew the power of doa. That woke us up. That woke ME up. I started reading the Quran more often, and now I try my best to read everyday. I google all the doa’s and more ibadahs just so I can be nearer to Allah, just so I know that the guidance will always be there.

And now that my family is experiencing yet another dugaan, there are times where I would just give up again. There are times where I think whatever we’re doing is just not enough because God knows how much we do. My parents wake up every night to perform solat sunat, to read yaassin, to mengaji. MasyaAllah I hope one day I can be like that. It took this dugaan to truly open our eyes. They say there’s a silver lining on every cloud and this dugaan was our silver lining. If we weren’t faced with this challenge, we would continue taking our lives for granted like it’ll last forever.

It took me awhile to finally see that our nonstop prayers are finally being answered. Slowly we see new changes. No matter how tough it got, my prayers would remain the same. And this morning my prayers were answered when I was awaken by a call at 3:38am. Alhamdulillah.. I am so thankful. After the call I couldn’t sleep anymore and started whatsapping my family. I’m not sure if they were already up or my nonstop messages woke them up but they were there for me. Like they always are. And my mother in law was also up and asked me to solat tahajudd since I was already up. And I did. And I cried while praying, like I’m crying writing this post.

I cry mostly because I know Allah can hear me, he can hear the pain in my heart and I know he is the only one that can make that pain go away.  I look at my husband sleeping in front of me now and it just makes me cry even more. To look at him and to know that I have a husband who cares for me, who loves me and who helps me become a better person everyday. I look down at my belly and I cry even more knowing all this rezeki Allah has given me. He has blessed me as a wife and soon InsyaAllah a mother. I cry because I feel so blessed that Allah thinks I’m worthy of all this rezeki :')

SO it’s 6:28am now and I better stop and perform Subuh.

But just a note for those out there who think their prayers won’t be heard, who think that it’s too late to change for the better,

I am living proof that it is never too late.

Salam.

:) 

The one with SISTERLY LOVE.

Salam.

From Yazmin's hectic project deadlines, to my never ending assignments and Irene's piling work, we FINALLY made time for each other. As it is 5:08am, too tired to type, so I'll let the pictures illustrate our short and sweet meeting! :)

                                           

After good half an hour of deciding where to eat, we decided to have dinner at Canoodling.

Along puasa, so she buka with this kuey teow soup thingy. 

As for Min, she tried this pasta goreng thingy.

And for myself? Salted fish and chicken fried rice! Super Yummy! :)

First time there so jakun boleh doodle on the table. Felt like a kid again. Mesti Iris and Ria syok jugak. Will bring them nanti. IF they behave. We'll see. 

Yes, memang saya betul betul fokus.

-_____-

TADAAA. Yes, faithful mercow is always with me. 

Heeeeee :) I wonder if they threw it out...

Next stop! Baskin Robbins for dessert. Photo Op!

"eh jap jap" *betulkan tudung & rambut masing masing*

-____-

ngeeeee.

:)

And that's all! Had a great time with my sisters, very blessed to have them in my life. <3

Okaylah, gonna try my best to sleep now. 

Goodnight to zombies like myself and Good morning to early birds!

*xoxo*

The one with my CURRENT PLAYLIST.

Salam.

Hello lovelies! Not gonna write much. Just wanna share my current playlist. Helps me cope with my emotions at the moment. 

1. Foolish - Ashanti
2. Selfish - Asia Cruise
3. Love is A Losing Game - Amy Winehouse
4. The Way That I Love You- Ashanti
5. The Diary of Jane - Breaking Benjamin
6. Over You - Daughtry
7. Skyscrapper - Demi Lovato
8. Stan (Feat Dido) - Eminem
9. Big Girls Don't Cry - Fergie
10. The Pieces Don't Fit Anymore - James Morrison
11. Cry Me A River - Justin Timberlake
12. Never Again - Justin Timberlake
13. Since U Been Gone - Kelly Clarkson
14. Better In Time - Leona Lewis
15. Take a Bow - Leona Lewis
16. Smile - Lily Allen
17. Lollipop - Mika
18. Roses - Outkast
19. The Fall - Pixie Lott
20. Don't Want To Try - Frankie J

That's all for now!
And yes yes, I know some people mesti cam " baik pergi amek wudhu and solat or berzikir. Lagi tenang"
Yes, very true. 1) My time of month 2) I do berzikir.
So peace out peeeps! Till next time! :)

The one where BULLIES ARE BABOONS.

Salam and hello to all.

Bullies. Disebabkan bullies ni, tak pasal pasal baboons pun kena. Haha. 

Point is, I hate bullies. Can't stand them. And so obviously this type of hatred has to come from somewhere. So let me share with you my first semester in Uitm Segamat. 

Kolej Intan. 

(btw, Hasrita. Pinjam gambar ni tau)

:)

The place I thought I was gonna call home until I finished my 3 years in Uitm Segamat. But due to some unfortunate events, I only lasted 3 semesters. At first I was super duper excited, the kolej looked okay, it was also close to the kedai makan, so I had no complaints. UNTIL I met THEM.

They called themselves our seniors. The head of our kolej at that time. The 'kakak- kakak" Part 6. Biasalah seniority whatever. Not all of them were mean, there were a few nice kakak's but the meanest one seemed to be the 'head'. I don't think it's necessary to put her name here. Pretty sure you KNOW who you are. And for my Kolej Intan-ians, you KNOW who I'm referring to right? haha.

Anyway, I get it. Your my senior, and I'm suppose to respect you blah blah blah. You see to me, the way you earn my respect is not by putting fear in me. That's not how it works for me. So that's what SHE did. She didn't bully me physically, she did it emotionally. Which was worse. They had rules for absolutely everything! Yang paling penting? Our attire. 

To these kakak's, the proper/ appropriate attire is like this:

Seriously.

Although it was absurd to follow zaman mana punya guidelines ni, my friends and I tried our very best to cover and to make sure that we follow these stupid guidelines. To PLEASE our seniors. Pfft.  The thing is, the kakak- kakak tu pun mana ada pakai macam ni. So you expect us to wear, but it doesn't apply to you? 

Errr, confuse.

So once upon a time while I was coming back from class, I decided to stop by the cafeteria and eat lunch with my friends. And just my luck! Terserempak with the lovely kakak senior. I smiled, obviously. ( Kalau tak nanti kena tegur. Haha! Tak senyum pun boleh jadi issue besar. LOL) So, ikhlas tak ikhlas, kena senyum jugak kan. She looked at me UP TO DOWN. (rude much right? Ada dia kisah?) Of course tak kisah. Senior weyhhhh!

Whatever.

Okay let me ask you all, kalau you duduk, your shirt ternaik skit ke or it's just static like that? Mesti ternaik kan? Standing up, my baju actually covered my butt, but obviously when I sat down to eat, the baju ternaik skit. Takdelah sampai nampak my butt or anything. No skin showing whatsoever! But due to the LOOK she gave me, I know something was gonna happen. 

And so that night, we all had the kolej meeting. All the girls were gathered in the surau for their usual pep talk. And then it was time for HER to speak. She said some Part 1 student was wearing "inappropriate" clothing and she actually made me stand up. STAND UP IN FRONT OF ALL OF PART 1 KOLEJ INTAN GIRLS. Me alone. Pin point me and started babbling crap. 

At that time, I was still a little duckling. Innocent little Dewi whom everyone can just pijak over anytime. But trust me girlfriend, If you did that to me now, this story would be WAY more interesting. So this is just one event that happened to me. If I were to share you all my stories about this wonderful caring kakak, memang sampai esok tak habis. 

You know the weird thing though? Bully memang bully tapi when they needed someone to represent the kolej for competitions or to jadi a model or whatever, mintak tolong I? Hurm. Pelik la kakak ni. 

If somehow YOU get to read this. YOU. YOU know who YOU are, this is especially for YOU. Honestly, every smile I gave you, every 'hello' was NEVER sincere. I hated you to my hearts content and you were also part of the reason why I left Kolej Intan. So thank you so much for making my stay at Kolej Intan so wonderful :)

Unfortunately, this SENIORITY crap doesn't seem to end. It's a never ending circle. The seniors bully the juniors, then when the juniors become seniors, they bully their juniors and on and on. The call it "tradition". Tradition my ass. But whatever it is, you CAN stop it from happening to you.  

To my friends, adik-adik that might be experiencing this, learn to say NO okay? I didn't at that time, but I know now. If it gets too much, go and report. If you already complained and they said " Alaaa dik, biasa la tu" ( I dah pernah kena) Come to me okay? I'll be glad to help. Til next time! :)