The one with NO HEARTBEAT (Part 1)

For those who haven't figured it out from the title, we sadly lost our baby on 6th October 2016. 

Al-Fatihah to my little angel.

As much as it pains me (obviously crying all over the keyboard) to write this when the wounds are still fresh, but I'd like to share what happened. Also cause I could never get through explaining the details in person without breaking down in tears.

It started like a normal day, I went out to get "healthy pregnancy snacks" because the nausea from this 2nd pregnancy was making me eat asam which Mel really hates. So we bought a lot of fruits, vegetables and salads for me to snack on instead. Later that day, Mel headed to Sabah for 4 days for work at 450 pm. 

I had a routine check up with a private clinic that night at 7:45pm and wished Mel could come because it was suppose to be an exciting night, the day we get to hear the baby's heartbeat. After Maghrib, I left Ariana in my family's care and went alone. My dad offered to teman but I told him it's just going to be a quick one, so I'll be okay. 

Everything was normal and I was feeling okay, playing Candy Crush while waiting for them to call my name. And once they did, I sat down with the doctor and we discussed how I was feeling. I told her this time around, the nausea is really bad compared to Ariana, where I basically had no morning sickness. But I told her it's bareable and I was OK. 

I laid down to get scanned and there the baby was! The doctor also got excited too and said "haa comelnya!" It really was, the little hands and feet have already started forming, and I was so happy! Then, my doctor started frowning and was looking for something. I was so happy I didn't take much of it until she started asking me scary questions. Like " Ada spotting tak? You ada bleeding ke recently? You last rasa mual-mual tu bila?" I answered no to the bleeding and the spotting and I actually couldn't remember when I last rasa mual. 

And she dropped the bomb, "Sebab by right kita dah boleh dengar jantung dia, and kalau you tengok kat monitor ni, jantung dia tak ada pun"  I thought to myself " Is she saying what I think she's saying" and got defensive. I said we heard Ariana's heartbeat at 11 weeks, maybe it's still too early. (I was 9 weeks 1 day at the time) She showed me another scan which shows red colours when there's bleeding. There was actually a bit of bleeding on the monitor, I saw it on the screen but I guess it just hasn't come out yet. And she pointed out that there should also be blood where the fetus was to show blood flow but there wasn't. It was just the shape of the baby. 

I know what she's trying to tell me but I didn't want to believe. She said that it's not my fault, it's not the husbands fault this happened, these things unfortunately just do happen. She continued to say she's sorry it happened to me and asked if she could call someone as I was there alone. By this time tears started streaming down, how could a check up that should have been a happy day for me, turn like this?

The doctor assured me, if I wanted a 2nd check up, to be completely sure, I can come next week with Mel. In the end, I just kept nodding because I just couldn't talk anymore. Outside the doctors office, there was a lot of people and I just didn't want to make a scene. I wiped my tears and held it together. They called my name to make payment and tears just started filling up as she handed me the last scan I'll ever see of my precious one. 

As soon as I was out the door, I broke down. I didn't even make it to the car to cry and scream. I called Mel right away and he picked up after a 3 tones waiting for exciting news and all I did was cry for a solid 3 minutes. He asked what happened over and over again and I couldn't talk, I tried to catch my breath, to calm down but i I couldn't for that 3 minutes. I managed to spit out " I lost the baby, I lost the baby" and he was just confused and asked "how?" Macam mana boleh jadi mcm ni?" and broke down as well. 

Eventually, we both calmed down and I explained to him what the doctor said. He apologized for not being able to be there with me and said he'll try to come back home as soon as he can and I ended the conversation by apologizing myself. The doctor warned me not to blame anyone for the miscarriage and I truly don't blame anyone, especially Mel who has been so amazingly supportive through out the whole pregnancy. But being the mother, the one who's carrying the baby, you can't help but to blame yourself, and so I did. 

After talking to Mel, I called my sister who was living in KL and she told me it was a mistake, and told me to get a 2nd opinion right away. I wish I could believe her, but I saw the scans myself, there was no heartbeat but I said okay anyway. In the car, I took a minute to calm down and started driving back home where I'll have to repeat this over again to my family. All the way back home I just kept saying "Sorry" "Mummy's so sorry" over and over until I reached home. Standing in front of the house door, I took another minute to compose myself and opened the door and walked in. My dad was napping on the couch, my sister was watching TV, and my mom and maid were just talking at the dinner table. My mom looked at me and asked how the appointment went. I managed to mumble " I lost the baby" and collapsed on the floor against the door and cried again. 

Later, they took care of Ariana so I could settle down in my room. At this time, I was having a horrible migraine, obviously from all the crying. Mel called to say he's taking the first flight back and we'll get a 2nd opinion straight away. I told him to tell his family because I just couldn't repeat myself again. I got ready for bed, and my youngest sister came to teman me sleep that night and suddenly my phone rang. It was Mels mum and I picked up the call outside and broke down again. Everybody was trying their best to comfort me, to support me, and I'm so grateful to have such a strong support system from both sides. Alhamdulillah.

I solat Isyak, prayed hard and went to bed. 

I woke up with the same horrible migraine which lasted the whole day. I picked Mel at the train station around 11. As soon as I saw him, I went out of the car, salam him and we hugged and cried together for a good 1 minute. I realized that everyone there was looking at us but I just couldn't care. We then decided to get a 2nd opinion at An Nur Clinic which is a womens specialist in Bangi. At the clinic, I would cry occasionally thinking about going through this again but I was much better with Mel by my side. Before we went in to see the doctor I told Mel to prepare himself. Long story short, the doctor confirmed the baby was no longer there, and the causes of it are unsure because 12%-15% of pregnancies will result in a miscarriage. She said they call it "OGK" which stands for, 'Only God Knows'. I was calm, proud of myself that I didn't break down and just accepted. We decided to schedule for a D & C on Tuesday morning and that was that. 

It's 2 days later and I do cry occasionally, we all terima by far the biggest ujian in my life, but it still hurts. My parents went through the same thing when we were living in New York. My mom was finally pregnant with a boy (I have 4 sisters) but sadly we lost him. My dad said he's not meant to have sons and he redha, and I have to as well. I do redha, it's just going to take time. InsyaAllah. Mel has been pushing me to go out, to clear my head, because once I'm alone, the thoughts start coming. The scenes in the clinic play repeatedly in my head. It repeats word from word of what actually happened but even worse, it sometimes repeats a different scene. A happy scene of me hearing the baby's heartbeat, calling Mel to say how healthy the baby is. 

 Writing this post has been emotional, Mel asked me to stop because it was making me so upset but I told him I somehow feel a bit of closure being able to share this. I know many have gone through this before, so here's my story. 

InsyaAllah we will still try again for our little rainbow baby, but now it's time to heal.

"You can't have a rainbow, without a little rain"

Love, DD