Tuesday, 13 May 2014

Finding my Faith

 (I’ve had this post saved for so long, finally posting it)


I think like most people I know, we were born in our religion. I mean, I was born a Muslim and so I took it for granted all my childhood, teenage life, up until recently. My parents would teach me how to pray, read the Quran and we were so young so I would just take it as something so minimal. I remember playing around when we all would solat together, I remember not even praying really. Just following people, when they rukuk, I would rukuk, when they sujud, I would sujud, but my mind was elsewhere.

My mother used to tell me that when she hasn’t performed her solat, there is this feeling of uncertainty and restlessness that she gets. And as soon as she performs her solat, the feeling goes away. I never understood that, that is until now.

I’m turning 25 this year, happily married Alhamdulillah & InsyaAllah about to become a mother and only NOW have I understood this feeling my mother had. I think for me, it started out slowly and in stages. I was always a rebel and I hated being told what to do. I rebelled against wearing the hijab for a long time and until I did, things started to change for me.

Honestly even after I wore the hijab, I still didn’t take my solat that seriously. I would skip some waktu and solat whenever I feel like it. I can’t remember exactly when this ‘feeling’ happened but it did.

At those times where I did miss my solat, I would feel SO unease, SO restless and full of regret. I would always blame myself and just think “Why can’t I spend just at least 5 minutes. That’s all it really takes.  So I finally understood what my mom was trying to tell me. Alhamdulillah, took me awhile though and I'm still learning. 

I used to think that Allah might not listen to my prayers. I think to myself, “C’mon there are people in this world who don’t do anything else BUT pray and do all the Ibadahs, why would Allah grant MY wishes? But now, I know it’s not true. 

I would always pray that Allah guides us all in the right path. For me, I noticed these signs. For instance I used to always skip Subuh because I’d wake up late and for some reason I just started waking up. Things would happen like my phone would ring or I would just feel the need to wake up.  

There are so many dugaan in my life now, and I’ve learned the power of doa. My family and I were like normal families I think. We’re not extremely pious, but when my family faced our first dugaan, it was surely one of the most heartbreaking moments of my life but it woke us up. When people say Allah will never burden you with something you can’t handle, I used to disagree…When we were faced with a dugaan that would break us apart, I honestly thought we weren’t going to make it.

But Alhamdulillah with our nonstop prayers and tears, we managed to pull through. And because of that, I knew the power of doa. That woke us up. That woke ME up. I started reading the Quran more often, and now I try my best to read everyday. I google all the doa’s and more ibadahs just so I can be nearer to Allah, just so I know that the guidance will always be there.

And now that my family is experiencing yet another dugaan, there are times where I would just give up again. There are times where I think whatever we’re doing is just not enough because God knows how much we do. My parents wake up every night to perform solat sunat, to read yaassin, to mengaji. MasyaAllah I hope one day I can be like that. It took this dugaan to truly open our eyes. They say there’s a silver lining on every cloud and this dugaan was our silver lining. If we weren’t faced with this challenge, we would continue taking our lives for granted like it’ll last forever.

It took me awhile to finally see that our nonstop prayers are finally being answered. Slowly we see new changes. No matter how tough it got, my prayers would remain the same. And this morning my prayers were answered when I was awaken by a call at 3:38am. Alhamdulillah.. I am so thankful. After the call I couldn’t sleep anymore and started whatsapping my family. I’m not sure if they were already up or my nonstop messages woke them up but they were there for me. Like they always are. And my mother in law was also up and asked me to solat tahajudd since I was already up. And I did. And I cried while praying, like I’m crying writing this post.

I cry mostly because I know Allah can hear me, he can hear the pain in my heart and I know he is the only one that can make that pain go away.  I look at my husband sleeping in front of me now and it just makes me cry even more. To look at him and to know that I have a husband who cares for me, who loves me and who helps me become a better person everyday. I look down at my belly and I cry even more knowing all this rezeki Allah has given me. He has blessed me as a wife and soon InsyaAllah a mother. I cry because I feel so blessed that Allah thinks I’m worthy of all this rezeki :')

SO it’s 6:28am now and I better stop and perform Subuh.

But just a note for those out there who think their prayers won’t be heard, who think that it’s too late to change for the better,

I am living proof that it is never too late.



Monday, 12 December 2011

Sisterly love.


From Yazmin's hectic project deadlines, to my never ending assignments and Irene's piling work, we FINALLY made time for each other. As it is 5:08am, too tired to type, so I'll let the pictures illustrate our short and sweet meeting! :)
After good half an hour of deciding where to eat, we decided to have dinner at Canoodling.
Along puasa, so she buka with this kuey teow soup thingy. 
As for Min, she tried this pasta goreng thingy.
And for myself? Salted fish and chicken fried rice! Super Yummy! :)

First time there so jakun boleh doodle on the table. Felt like a kid again. Mesti Iris and Ria syok jugak. Will bring them nanti. IF they behave. We'll see. 
Yes, memang saya betul betul fokus.
TADAAA. Yes, faithful mercow is always with me. 
Heeeeee :) I wonder if they threw it out...

Next stop! Baskin Robbins for dessert. Photo Op!
"eh jap jap" *betulkan tudung & rambut masing masing*

And that's all! Had a great time with my sisters, very blessed to have them in my life. <3
Okaylah, gonna try my best to sleep now. 
Goodnight to zombies like myself and Good morning to early birds!

Saturday, 10 December 2011

Current Playlist.


Hello lovelies! Not gonna write much. Just wanna share my current playlist. Helps me cope with my emotions at the moment. 

1. Foolish - Ashanti
2. Selfish - Asia Cruise
3. Love is A Losing Game - Amy Winehouse
4. The Way That I Love You- Ashanti
5. The Diary of Jane - Breaking Benjamin
6. Over You - Daughtry
7. Skyscrapper - Demi Lovato
8. Stan (Feat Dido) - Eminem
9. Big Girls Don't Cry - Fergie
10. The Pieces Don't Fit Anymore - James Morrison
11. Cry Me A River - Justin Timberlake
12. Never Again - Justin Timberlake
13. Since U Been Gone - Kelly Clarkson
14. Better In Time - Leona Lewis
15. Take a Bow - Leona Lewis
16. Smile - Lily Allen
17. Lollipop - Mika
18. Roses - Outkast
19. The Fall - Pixie Lott
20. Don't Want To Try - Frankie J

That's all for now!
And yes yes, I know some people mesti cam " baik pergi amek wudhu and solat or berzikir. Lagi tenang"
Yes, very true. 1) My time of month 2) I do berzikir.
So peace out peeeps! Till next time! :)

Thursday, 1 December 2011

Bullies are baboons.

Salam and hello to all.

Bullies. Disebabkan bullies ni, tak pasal pasal baboons pun kena. Haha. 

Point is, I hate bullies. Can't stand them. And so obviously this type of hatred has to come from somewhere. So let me share with you my first semester in Uitm Segamat. 

Kolej Intan. 

(btw, Hasrita. Pinjam gambar ni tau)

The place I thought I was gonna call home until I finished my 3 years in Uitm Segamat. But due to some unfortunate events, I only lasted 3 semesters. At first I was super duper excited, the kolej looked okay, it was also close to the kedai makan, so I had no complaints. UNTIL I met THEM.

They called themselves our seniors. The head of our kolej at that time. The 'kakak- kakak" Part 6. Biasalah seniority whatever. Not all of them were mean, there were a few nice kakak's but the meanest one seemed to be the 'head'. I don't think it's necessary to put her name here. Pretty sure you KNOW who you are. And for my Kolej Intan-ians, you KNOW who I'm referring to right? haha.

Anyway, I get it. Your my senior, and I'm suppose to respect you blah blah blah. You see to me, the way you earn my respect is not by putting fear in me. That's not how it works for me. So that's what SHE did. She didn't bully me physically, she did it emotionally. Which was worse. They had rules for absolutely everything! Yang paling penting? Our attire. 

To these kakak's, the proper/ appropriate attire is like this:


Although it was absurd to follow zaman mana punya guidelines ni, my friends and I tried our very best to cover and to make sure that we follow these stupid guidelines. To PLEASE our seniors. Pfft.  The thing is, the kakak- kakak tu pun mana ada pakai macam ni. So you expect us to wear, but it doesn't apply to you? 

Errr, confuse.

So once upon a time while I was coming back from class, I decided to stop by the cafeteria and eat lunch with my friends. And just my luck! Terserempak with the lovely kakak senior. I smiled, obviously. ( Kalau tak nanti kena tegur. Haha! Tak senyum pun boleh jadi issue besar. LOL) So, ikhlas tak ikhlas, kena senyum jugak kan. She looked at me UP TO DOWN. (rude much right? Ada dia kisah?) Of course tak kisah. Senior weyhhhh!


Okay let me ask you all, kalau you duduk, your shirt ternaik skit ke or it's just static like that? Mesti ternaik kan? Standing up, my baju actually covered my butt, but obviously when I sat down to eat, the baju ternaik skit. Takdelah sampai nampak my butt or anything. No skin showing whatsoever! But due to the LOOK she gave me, I know something was gonna happen. 

And so that night, we all had the kolej meeting. All the girls were gathered in the surau for their usual pep talk. And then it was time for HER to speak. She said some Part 1 student was wearing "inappropriate" clothing and she actually made me stand up. STAND UP IN FRONT OF ALL OF PART 1 KOLEJ INTAN GIRLS. Me alone. Pin point me and started babbling crap. 

At that time, I was still a little duckling. Innocent little Dewi whom everyone can just pijak over anytime. But trust me girlfriend, If you did that to me now, this story would be WAY more interesting. So this is just one event that happened to me. If I were to share you all my stories about this wonderful caring kakak, memang sampai esok tak habis. 

You know the weird thing though? Bully memang bully tapi when they needed someone to represent the kolej for competitions or to jadi a model or whatever, mintak tolong I? Hurm. Pelik la kakak ni. 

If somehow YOU get to read this. YOU. YOU know who YOU are, this is especially for YOU. Honestly, every smile I gave you, every 'hello' was NEVER sincere. I hated you to my hearts content and you were also part of the reason why I left Kolej Intan. So thank you so much for making my stay at Kolej Intan so wonderful :)

Unfortunately, this SENIORITY crap doesn't seem to end. It's a never ending circle. The seniors bully the juniors, then when the juniors become seniors, they bully their juniors and on and on. The call it "tradition". Tradition my ass. But whatever it is, you CAN stop it from happening to you.  

To my friends, adik-adik that might be experiencing this, learn to say NO okay? I didn't at that time, but I know now. If it gets too much, go and report. If you already complained and they said " Alaaa dik, biasa la tu" ( I dah pernah kena) Come to me okay? I'll be glad to help. Til next time! :)

Wednesday, 30 November 2011

Insomnia has taken over me.

Salam. Hello :)

According to my sister's laptop, it is now 4:38am. What am I doing awake at this time? I HAVE NO IDEA. Insomnia has taken over me.


So anyway, was looking through some pictures and I found this.

If you don't recognize me, I'm pretty little Snow White. Yang mana? Yang tu haa. Tengah tu. 
Pretty little Snow White was pretty little rongak that time. 
Banyak je dapat candy that Halloween rongak rongak pun.

More embarrassing photos to upload! Memalukan tapi takpe. Will sacrifice my well being to keep my lovely readers entertained. Or laugh.Whichever comes first. Sweet kan sweet kan? 

(May rethink about uploading embarrassing pics when eyes aren't half open.)

With that, I end this post by saying Goodnight. 


Friday, 18 November 2011

He made me feel like a princess.


Warning: This post is about Handsome, hence will be filled with sweet romantic awww moments. <3

Back from Singapore, Handsome told me he had lots of birthday surprises for me. Hik.

So the next morning, he woke me up and asked me to get ready cepat cepat. He kept saying we're late and that we had to rush somewhere. Since he wouldn't tell me where we're going, I had NO IDEA what to wear. He hinted to keep it simple and when I asked if I should wear heels or flats, he said flats. So okay.

Driving to the 1st surprise, I was really nervous. Apa la Handsome nak suruh I buat ni kan..Nak dekat sampai dah, he says. I looked around and saw lots of kedai kedai kereta sume. Terus in my head " OMG OMG, he's gonna rent out my dream car (White Porsche Cayenne)  for the day! That's why he told me to wear flats! Sebab nak drive!" LOL ( I never told you this b, sebab memalukan tapi yes that's what I thought) Haha.

TET. Wrong guess. 

We drove a little further and parked at Wisma Mustika Ratu. A SPA! Handsome surprised me with a spa! I'm pretty sure that was my first experience going to a spa. Hehe. It was fun! They gave me free sauna session for my birthday :)  A session was filled with massages, body scrubs, mandi bunga and everything.

It was the best! Thank you so much Handsome! Better than the Cayenne I had in mind. :p 

So after that 3 hour spa session, Handsome picked me up. Bukak pintu kereta and there was a bouquet of flowers on my seat. Wait for it...AWWWWW.... kan kan? Ya Allah sweetnya boyfriend saya ni. 
Tak sempat snap in the car, but here's a picture of the lovely carnations I put in the vase.

Hugging my flowers and smiling happily, Handsome said it's time for the 2nd surprise. He said this time dia nak bawak jumpa orang Handsome kat Pavillion. Dah kena jumpa orang handsome pulak dah. -___- Kite dah la selekeh gila time tu. Selekeh tapi wangi. heee. Wanna know who that handsome person is? 

Yes! It's Justin Timberlake! Haha. Went for a movie date :)

Best movie! Based on all his other movies, I thought he couldn't act but this was an exception. Great movie with a great story and cast. 

After that, for the 3rd surprise, Handsome took me out for dinner. Macam biasa la, dia taknak bagitau kat mana. He asked me to close my eyes. Comel betul. And so I did. 

Opened my eyes to a beautiful restaurant. Tamarind Springs. It was night and quite dark so all my pictures gelap. But i don't mind, it had that romantic candle light dinner ambiance to it. 

Encemnya Handsome ni.
You see that tin Fossil box? That's the 4th and final surprise. 
My birthday present :)

You really did make me feel like a princess. Thank you Handsome. <3

Happy Birthday to me! :)


I am no longer 20, no longer 21, I am 22. Much wiser, I hope. What say u? Nevermind, don't answer that.

Anyway, my birthday falls on November 8 which was a Tuesday this year. Was excited I finally get to celebrate with my family in Singapore but unfortunately Mother wasn't feeling well at that time. :'( But it's okay, there's always next year InsyaAllah. So, this is how I celebrated my birthday.

Handsome sang me Happy Birthday via skype exactly at 12am. Such a sweetheart. But then he ate that ice cream in front of me. Grr. 
What's this? Jeng jeng jeng.
Jeng jeng jeng.
Tadaaaa! Out of all the cakes at Ben & Jerry's, I chose the Chocolate Fudge Brownie Ice Cream Cake. And let me tell you, it was DELICIOUS. I think the best ice cream cake I've ever tasted. Oh and comel kan the cow? hehe. Orang yang rapat je tau I like cows. Cute cartoon cows like this. I don't think real cows are cute, but definitely delicious. Haha!

And that pretty much sums up my 21st birthday. InsyaAllah, many more years to come.