Tuesday, 13 May 2014

The one with FINDING MY FAITH.

 (I’ve had this post saved for so long, finally posting it)


I think like most people I know, we were born in our religion. I mean, I was born a Muslim and so I took it for granted all my childhood, teenage life, up until recently. My parents would teach me how to pray, read the Quran and we were so young so I would just take it as something so minimal. I remember playing around when we all would solat together, I remember not even praying really. Just following people, when they rukuk, I would rukuk, when they sujud, I would sujud, but my mind was elsewhere.

My mother used to tell me that when she hasn’t performed her solat, there is this feeling of uncertainty and restlessness that she gets. And as soon as she performs her solat, the feeling goes away. I never understood that, that is until now.

I’m turning 25 this year, happily married Alhamdulillah & InsyaAllah about to become a mother and only NOW have I understood this feeling my mother had. I think for me, it started out slowly and in stages. I was always a rebel and I hated being told what to do. I rebelled against wearing the hijab for a long time and until I did, things started to change for me.

Honestly even after I wore the hijab, I still didn’t take my solat that seriously. I would skip some waktu and solat whenever I feel like it. I can’t remember exactly when this ‘feeling’ happened but it did.

At those times where I did miss my solat, I would feel SO unease, SO restless and full of regret. I would always blame myself and just think “Why can’t I spend just at least 5 minutes. That’s all it really takes.  So I finally understood what my mom was trying to tell me. Alhamdulillah, took me awhile though and I'm still learning. 

I used to think that Allah might not listen to my prayers. I think to myself, “C’mon there are people in this world who don’t do anything else BUT pray and do all the Ibadahs, why would Allah grant MY wishes? But now, I know it’s not true. 

I would always pray that Allah guides us all in the right path. For me, I noticed these signs. For instance I used to always skip Subuh because I’d wake up late and for some reason I just started waking up. Things would happen like my phone would ring or I would just feel the need to wake up.  

There are so many dugaan in my life now, and I’ve learned the power of doa. My family and I were like normal families I think. We’re not extremely pious, but when my family faced our first dugaan, it was surely one of the most heartbreaking moments of my life but it woke us up. When people say Allah will never burden you with something you can’t handle, I used to disagree…When we were faced with a dugaan that would break us apart, I honestly thought we weren’t going to make it.

But Alhamdulillah with our nonstop prayers and tears, we managed to pull through. And because of that, I knew the power of doa. That woke us up. That woke ME up. I started reading the Quran more often, and now I try my best to read everyday. I google all the doa’s and more ibadahs just so I can be nearer to Allah, just so I know that the guidance will always be there.

And now that my family is experiencing yet another dugaan, there are times where I would just give up again. There are times where I think whatever we’re doing is just not enough because God knows how much we do. My parents wake up every night to perform solat sunat, to read yaassin, to mengaji. MasyaAllah I hope one day I can be like that. It took this dugaan to truly open our eyes. They say there’s a silver lining on every cloud and this dugaan was our silver lining. If we weren’t faced with this challenge, we would continue taking our lives for granted like it’ll last forever.

It took me awhile to finally see that our nonstop prayers are finally being answered. Slowly we see new changes. No matter how tough it got, my prayers would remain the same. And this morning my prayers were answered when I was awaken by a call at 3:38am. Alhamdulillah.. I am so thankful. After the call I couldn’t sleep anymore and started whatsapping my family. I’m not sure if they were already up or my nonstop messages woke them up but they were there for me. Like they always are. And my mother in law was also up and asked me to solat tahajudd since I was already up. And I did. And I cried while praying, like I’m crying writing this post.

I cry mostly because I know Allah can hear me, he can hear the pain in my heart and I know he is the only one that can make that pain go away.  I look at my husband sleeping in front of me now and it just makes me cry even more. To look at him and to know that I have a husband who cares for me, who loves me and who helps me become a better person everyday. I look down at my belly and I cry even more knowing all this rezeki Allah has given me. He has blessed me as a wife and soon InsyaAllah a mother. I cry because I feel so blessed that Allah thinks I’m worthy of all this rezeki :')

SO it’s 6:28am now and I better stop and perform Subuh.

But just a note for those out there who think their prayers won’t be heard, who think that it’s too late to change for the better,

I am living proof that it is never too late.