The one with DIFFERENT PLANS.

We plan, but Allah S.W.T is the best of planners. 

There is a saying that I strongly hold which goes "Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst." 

I bring an umbrella in my handbag hoping it doesn't rain, but prepared if it does. I bring 2  diapers every time I go out with Ariana hoping the first doesn't rip and am left with none (has happened before), but prepared if it does. 

But I wasn't prepared this time. 

I thought I was, I asked everyone I knew of their experiences having gone through D&C procedures. Mostly all of them said the same thing. It's a 30 minute procedure, under general anesthesia, will take a few hours to recover in the daycare ward of the hospital and you can go home. Lalala. But there were different plans laid out for me.

It's 8 days after the operation and I feel stronger physically & mentally, Alhamdulillah. So I've decided to share in a timeline form of what happened. 

Monday, 10 October

As I was preparing for my scheduled D&C the next morning, the hospital called. They informed me that there were some technical issues in their Operation Theatre and gave me 2 options. Either I find another hospital to do the D&C or wait for them to settle their issues on Saturday and do it then. As you can imagine, Mel and I were super bummed but we moved on and decided to find another hospital. We ended up choosing Az-Zahrah hospital and went for a check up that night. Alhamdulillah, boleh buat the D & C tomorrow as planned originally. 

 

Just keep swimming.

Tuesday, 11 October

Arrived at the hospital at 8:30 am, went to see the specialist to scan at 10:30 am and was warded at 10:45 am. Scheduled D&C at 2:30pm.

I was nervous, sad and scared. 

Mel solat and baca doa for me :') 

Mummy brought Ariana to see me :) 

*Praying someone comes up with nicer hospital gowns in the future.*

Here I am trying to hide under the covers before someone snaps a 

photo of me wearing THAT. 

But for the sake of this blog, I'll post it anyway. 

When they started to wheel me out, thats when sh*t got real. Beyond nervous and scared now. Zikir all the way but sempat imagine scenes in Grey's Anatomy. -____-

Mel could only go this far and that's when I got really scared. 

Met the anesthesiologist and the nurses whom all said "Takpe Puan, D&C je ni. Kejap je ni."

Aha. They were also umprepared haha.

Last thing I remember them saying was "Baca selawat ya Puan" and I was out. 

Woke up apparently 3 HOURS later. 

I remember being able to say three words over and over again. 

"COLD, HAUS, SAKIT"

The meds were still kicking in and I couldn't open my eyes but I managed to say these three things because that's exactly how I felt. 

I couldn't stop shivering, my throat felt so dry and I was confused why I felt SO MUCH PAIN. Like someone slashed my stomach. Which is NOT what I signed up for. 

 My mum and Mel's mum comforting me, though I had no idea at the time.

Excuse the poor censoring skills. 

Apparently the room was full of people, my family, Mel's family all praying for me but I was well...like that. 

Sedar tak sedar kind off phase, I can hear people talking but couldn't respond. 

Later that night when everybody left, I could finally open my eyes, to see Mel in front of me. I asked what happened and Mel explained in tears. So naturally, I cried too. He kept saying "Ujian kita memang besar kali ni tapi takpe asalkan you selamat" 

He told me he waited outside the Dewan Bersalin and was confused to why it was taking so long. An hour passed and finally the doctor came out and explained to him I had a complication and needed to be cut open and rushed back in the operating room to continue. 

From what I understand, that complication is caused by me having a 

condition called "endometriosis."

It's a condition resulting from the appearance of endometrial tissue outside the uterus and causing pelvic pain. 

Due to that, the doctors couldn't vacuum out everything that needed to be taken out. Hence, they cut open my lower abdomen to push everything out.

Something like that. 

I understood and was happy Mel and I had our moment together, we cried together and finally just fell asleep.

Wednesday 12th October 

Pain. Pain Pain.

Nurses came in at 5:00ish am to get me cleaned up since I couldn't move. 

I went in and out of sleep the whole day, the painkillers they were giving just didn't work. Every time I moved, it hurt. 

I was so happy when Ariana came. Although I couldn't hold her, I was still so happy she was there. Mel's family and my family were all there and I felt stronger in a sense. 

Doctor came in and explained to me what happened, she said we needed to wait a year before conceiving again. Those words felt like a punch in the gut, especially for Mel I'm sure but he masked the dissapointment and so did I. 

*Dang it, I ALMOST went through writing this whole post without crying.* 

Okay sambung balik. 

So I wanted to go home like NOW but the doctor said to wait till tomorrow. Boohoo. 

My family and Mel's family went back to leave just the three of us in the hospital. 

Ariana, Mel and I.

My poor babies sleeping on the hospital floor. 

Mel's parents took Ariana home and we went to bed. 

Thursday 13th October

Woke up determined to go back home today! 

Mel looked at me and said "Yang, we balik harini" I nodded confidently and we high-fived to it. Obviously I was still in pain. I could go to the bathroom with Mel's help and at a snails pace but things were looking up.  

Our plan was to show how strong I was to the nurses so we could go home faster. hihi. 

FINALLY GOT TO SHOWER PEOPLE. FROM TUESDAY...TUESDAY. 

Doctor came in to look at my stitch, she sprayed something on it and said I could be discharged after lunch. Alhamdulillah! 

Moving was a real struggle for me, Allah je tau the amount of pain I was feeling as the nurse wheeled me out to the car. The pain from the wheelchair to the car. From the car to my house. From the living room downstairs to my room upstairs. Allah je tau. 

And other c-sec patients I'm sure can relate. 

Super happy to be back, but felt a surge of emotion laying down in my room. Mel had gone to do some work stuff and I just felt so bad. He was rushing everywhere to balance his work, me and Ariana. 

Alone in my room, I broke down. Hard. 

I just didn't get it. Why it happened to me. I just kept saying its suppose to be a 30 minute procedure, I should be able to walk by myself and go home afterwards...now look at me.

I couldn't even get up from bed without help. 

On top of the pain, I felt useless, alone and so...menyusahkan to the people around me, 

to Mel especially.  

Not only does he work to make a living for us, he takes care of Ariana at night and she's not a deep sleeper. She'll wake up crying once or twice almost every night. In the morning, he wakes up makes sure I'm okay, makes sure I take my meds, makes Ariana's milk, gets ready for work, send Ariana to my in laws, picks her up when he comes back from work.

 And the day repeats. 

Jump 5 days to today, Thursday October 18

We're getting used to the pattern now. I don't cry not being able to carry Ariana anymore. haha.

I can move without help! Alhamdulillah so at least Mel can breathe a little easier. 

Pantang has been hard. Most probably because I'm almost always alone in my room so it gets boring and you know me and my thoughts. But I try to make the best of it now. Trying to be as productive as I can without over-doing it because the stitches still hurt! 

I have 8 days to go until my pantang ends and I just can't wait. 

Looking at the view of my desk right now, a sad reminder of what could have been stares me in the face but I can't bring myself to get rid of it. InsyaAllah it'll get better in time. 

I pray for everyone out there. 

May Allah ease the small and major troubles in your life. From the ones hidden from the world, to the very severe. May Allah bring comfort to us all. Amin. 

Thanks for reading. 

Love, 

DD